apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
