Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
