Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
