i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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