I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
