just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
