I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
