I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
