why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
