Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
