based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
