Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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