Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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