Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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