forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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