yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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