So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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