Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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