6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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