people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Enjoy the penises
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
