I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
