we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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