One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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