My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
