she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
