he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
