Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
