remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
