At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
