Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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