It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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