my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
