There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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