My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
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