Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
