So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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