I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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