It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
