I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
sarcasm needs its own font
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
