We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
