My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How does one acquire holy water?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
