so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
