so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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