you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
