uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
