my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
