I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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