If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
