get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
