How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
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i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
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My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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