You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
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Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
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the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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