I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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