If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
