My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
