Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
