I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Mom said you looked used
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
