I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
