i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
