You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
bring money and cleavage
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
